Looking out into the familiar,
Crested waves confront my lower body,
As a few more steps are taken,
Until they reach my thighs,
Causing one final cold gasp to appear.
This, was further than before,
Which was more than the last time.
I can no longer see what is beneath,
Or trust this gentle slope will continue.
Glancing behind, the shoreline beckons control,
But turn I must and move out further,
Each movement now more tentative,
Searching for firm footings,
Until my breasts are under.
Here I stand once more,
No longer glancing back,
But thinking forward,
To commit fully to His Will.
And pass control to Him.
It’s me here,
The one you have been waiting to bloom,
The one you have watered,
The one your sun shined upon,
Even when I didn’t deserve it.
It’s me here again,
Wondering if you are watching me,
Of course you are,
There I go again seeking attention,
Hi, I’m back again,
Asking those questions,
The ones about insecurity,
The ones about my heart,
Am I being true to you?
There, it’s out again,
The one worry I have,
As I act in the world,
With my gifts,
And my faults,
Am I with you always?
Please don’t think I am a child,
Even if I am.
For I know you love children,
I know you love me,
I know you love all.
And, even though I may be unsure sometimes,
Know that I love you.
With Loving Insecurity.
Your flowering daughter.
Why is it I see the tree, sometimes as if it was chopped down?
Each part into neat little sections, as if the cuts were intentional,
And I had something to do with it.
Perhaps I did.
Or sometimes, just getting out of Dodge,
Even though, now I look behind,
No one was chasing me.
A life is not made up of just experiences,
Homes and more.
No, it is the memories,
Good and bad which inform my next moves,
Or next stays.
Darn it, didn’t realize it was that simple.
Or perhaps it’s not after all.
We often hear the words it’s the journey, not the destination, which can provide solace to some but can also create a feeling of desolation and abandonment. When we find our circumstances changing and, even when we set the direction it in motion, it does not turn out the way we want.
At the time of this pandemic, many find themselves somewhere they did not expect. Separated from others, loss of income, loneliness, even feelings of helplessness can be overwhelming. At the same time, we see the incredible outreach occurring. Generosity beyond expectations, sacrifice for those in caring roles. The juxtaposition of these scenes litters our daily lives.
So what is this all about? Our internal reactions to dealing with the uncontrollable and the unexpected are tested to the limit. Sometimes it is our observation of how others are dealing with the changes in their lives.
The knowledge of God’s presence in all of this can be our only reassurance in these matters. It is a time when we need to not just trust, but to embrace the love which comes from knowing God is within, and always with us. (Matthew 28:20).
This week we can perhaps have empathy for those who do not have faith in God, but are relying on themselves and those around them (you perhaps) to give them the certitude that things will work themselves out. And you become that loving embrace so many are seeking at this time; through your Christian response to their needs and difficulties.
Here I am heading home again,
Across the desert,
Across the oceans,
On straight roads,
On windy roads,
In the summer,
In the winter,